Justice 4 Greedo ([info]fera_festiva) wrote,
2009-09-01 15:33:00
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Stand back! I'm going to try ~*science*~

(Firstly, and at the risk of breaking with verisimilitude, note that this post could potentially be triggery in one or two places.)

Based on the recent SurveyFail, I have decided to do some research of my own.

Therefore, I'm conducting a survey on pisspoor excuses for scientists. If you're a pisspoor excuse for a scientist, please answer my survey!

The survey was designed using anecdata collected from a couple of guys I met in the pub. Please note that pisspoor excuses for scientists aren't actually the focus of my research, just the source of the data. Whatever that means. The collected data will be analysed using a combination of counting on fingers, asspulls, wrongly-applied scientific terminology and guesswork.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT ONLY PISSPOOR EXCUSES FOR SCIENTISTS ANSWER THIS SURVEY. If you are the kind of scientist (or social scientist) who actually has a fucking clue what they're doing, please do not take the survey.



1. What is your ethnicity?

- White
- Black
- Brown
- Other

2. What is your sex?

- Man
- Lady

3. In which country do you reside?

- USA!
- Canada
- England
- Some other place

4. Who is your favourite scientist?



5. If you could be any scientist, which one would you want to be?



6. When did you last wank while thinking about how awesome it would be if you were them?

- About five minutes ago
- Last week
- I'm a girl and as such don't wank

7. What's your favourite sexual position?



8. You put it where?



9. When was the last time you stayed up all night mapping MRI scans?

- About five minutes ago
- Last week
- Have never done it

10. Your research is on the brain, you say. Well, if you're so clever, what am I thinking about right now?



11. Why haven't you found a cure for cancer yet?



12. Have you ever been the victim of stalking and enjoyed the attention?

- Yes
- No

13. How do you ensure your scientific research is accurate, valid, and reliable?

- I ask real scientists for advice
- I read books and comics about science
- I wear a white coat and lab goggles
- I appear on science-themed quiz shows and surreptitiously take notes
- I've got an actual degree/equivalent training [note that this answer was added in to the survey after the survey had been live for several days]

14. Which of the following affects whether you carry out research on a particular topic?

- Seeing something awesome on reality TV and thinking it would make a cool experiment
- Pre-existing book deals
- The possibility of a hot research assistant
- Pure thirst for knowledge and understanding [note that this answer was added in to the survey after the survey had been live for several days]

15. Do you watch Star Trek? (If you haven't heard of it, Star Trek is a popular science programme.)

- Yes
- No

16. What kinds of research do you carry out?

- The sort with microscopes
- The sort with beakers of chemicals with smoke coming out of them
- The sort where someone lies on a couch and talks about their mother
- Other

17. Which of the following science journals do you read regularly?

- Behavioral Brain Research
- European Journal of Pharmacology
- Journal of Comparative Neurology
- My Pretty Little Hippocampus
- Trends in Cell Biology
- Occipital Babes
- Journal of Neuroscience Methods
- Brain and Development
- Anal Amy and her Awesome Amygdala

18. Do you ever crack one out in the lab when everyone else has gone home?

- Yes
- No

19. If your partner in real life had a really, really hot lab partner, would you be jealous?

- Yes
- I'd be turned on
- Depends on how big her tits were

20. If you had to choose one of the following, which do you like most about doing scientific research?

- I don't do scientific research
- The development of chemical bonds
- The thrill of SCIENCE!
- Wearing a white coat and goggles
- Enhancement of my tiny, tiny dick
- Identifying with my favourite scientist
- Giggling over phrases like "Large Hard-on Collider"
- Book deals

21. Have you ever written a paper or other academic work that was based entirely on your own pre-existing biases and in which the data was made to fit the theory and not the other way around?

- Yes
- ... There's another way?

22. Which of these best describes your childhood?

- I was the epitome of the stereotypical only child
- I wasn't breastfed and I'm still bitter
- I used to like playing with dolls and wearing pink, but then when I was four or five years old my father beat it out of me and after that I only played with trucks
- I was potty-trained too early and have longstanding issues as a result
- It was idyllic, and the adult world has been nothing but a disappointment to me

23. Were you one of those sad kids that had a chemistry set and collected "I LOVE INSECTS" magazine in weekly instalments, and the first instalment was only £1.99 (normal price £3.99) and came with a free ring binder? And collected Star Wars stickers while all the other boys were trading football cards?

- Yes

24. How often do you cry during masturbation?

- Every day
- Once a week
- I don't cry but I do feel guilty
- Have never cried at anything

25. Oh shit, just had a thought. You are over 18, aren't you?

- Yes
- Whatever
- You're not my real dad

26. Do you ever find yourself, in your darkest and loneliest moments, thinking about being ravaged from behind by Prince Harry in his Nazi costume?

- Yes
- Sometimes

27. Are you aware that the ethical treatment of human participants in social research is the sort of thing that is covered at A-level?

- Yeah, in sociology and psychology, but those aren't ~*real*~ sciences
- I don't understand the question

28. Have you ever heard of any of the following concepts? Tick all that apply.

- Positivism
- Antipositivism
- Symbolic interactionism
- Critical theory
- Functionalism
- Hermeneutics
- Critical ethnography
- Structuralism
- Social constructionism
- Sampling errors
- Phenomenology
- Ethnocentrism
- Hegemony
- Subjectivity and objectivity
- Operationalisation of concepts
- In fact, any of social theory and research from the last 200 years or so

29. Do any of the following ring any bells? Tick all that apply.

- Deception
- Confidentiality
- Anonymity
- Informed consent
- Right to withdraw
- Undue stress
- Coercion
- Voluntary participation
- Risk of harm
- The existence of ethical review boards

30. Do you party while planning experiments?

- Sure, man
- What? Oh, do I get high? Oh, uh...
- Only if I can get the chemicals from the lab for free
- I confirm that I have used illegal drugs. I understand that my data will be used by the researchers for analysis and any other relevant purposes

31. Have you ever considered using your scientific discoveries to kill someone?

- Not recently
- No more than anyone else does
- Only Hitler as a baby, which is allowed
- I told you, I wasn't even at work that day. I've been over this with the police already and they said themselves that I had done nothing wrong

32. What do you think happens after we die?

- Yes
- No

ETA: You guys, YOU GUYS, I can't keep up with all your lovely comments! And I have to go and be somewhere else. BOO. Will catch up tomorrow. THANK YOU.
Tags: does this count as meta?, fail, fandom, humour, ranting, science, surveyfail, your mom goes to college

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  • 119 comments
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[info]evil_underlord

September 1 2009, 17:33:22 UTC 2 years ago

I totally think they should plan more books based on examining the rest of the rules of the internet via inappropriate disciplines:

Rule 63: What all those drawings of Bowser with tits says about the interaction between reptile-brain reaction processes and higher logical functioning.

Also, question 23 - stop using my life for comedic purposes, dammit xx

[info]fera_festiva

September 1 2009, 17:52:51 UTC 2 years ago

Question 23 is my life too, except that I was never allowed to buy those magazines! Not even the ones that were ~*educational*~ FFS.

Rule 63: What all those drawings of Bowser with tits says about the interaction between reptile-brain reaction processes and higher logical functioning.

I like this. Let's approach some random, but rich, publishing house with it y/y?

[info]evil_underlord

2 years ago

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[info]fera_festiva

2 years ago

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[info]evil_underlord

2 years ago

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[info]fera_festiva

2 years ago

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[info]evil_underlord

2 years ago

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[info]fera_festiva

2 years ago

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[info]evil_underlord

2 years ago

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[info]spacefragments

September 1 2009, 17:55:37 UTC 2 years ago

made of win, as always. *thumbs up*

[info]fera_festiva

September 1 2009, 21:08:01 UTC 2 years ago

\o/ Aww, thank you!

[info]minnow_53

September 1 2009, 18:06:24 UTC 2 years ago

Can non-scientists of green ethnicity answer this? Unfortunately, I haven't seen the survey all the fuss is about, but I would bet money I don't have that it isn't a patch on this one.

26. Do you ever find yourself, in your darkest and loneliest moments, thinking about being ravaged from behind by Prince Harry in his Nazi costume?

Words fail me. :D

Brilliant all round.

[info]fera_festiva

September 1 2009, 21:32:04 UTC 2 years ago

There you are! ♥ I missed you, where have you been?

Can non-scientists of green ethnicity answer this?

Well, I suppose so, but that implies that people who aren't white men might in some way, you know, count for anything. *facepalm* (Seriously. If you value your blood pressure, avoid this shitstorm.)

[info]minnow_53

2 years ago

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[info]fera_festiva

2 years ago

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[info]minnow_53

2 years ago

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[info]biting_moopie

September 1 2009, 20:08:36 UTC 2 years ago

I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Brilliant!

You sound so much like a real scientist, despite being a girl. If you work really hard, you might be an assistant in a fancy lab some day!

Favourite questions: 8, 17, 20 for the hard-on collider (hee!), 21, 24, 26, 31, 33. I will use these numbers to play the lottery and will share my winnings with you if I win.

[info]fera_festiva

September 1 2009, 21:45:58 UTC 2 years ago

*simpers* Oh, do you really think so? Perhaps I can find a husband who's a scientist, and help him clean up the lab. Or hold beakers for him, if it's not too dangerous.

SRSLY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

and will share my winnings with you if I win

Nah, use it to start a publishing house, then commission an incredibly inaccurate book from me. Then profit! >:D

[info]red_squared

September 1 2009, 21:43:22 UTC 2 years ago

BWAHAHAHAHA WIN.

- I ask real scientists for advice
- I read books and comics about science
- I wear a white coat and lab goggles
- I appear on science-themed quiz shows and surreptitiously take notes
- I've got an actual degree/equivalent training [note that this answer was added in to the survey after the survey had been live for several days]

The goggles do nothing D:

Oh, and:

2. What is your sex?

- Man
- Lady Not a Man

Fixed.

[info]fera_festiva

September 1 2009, 21:50:35 UTC 2 years ago

Hahahahaha, yes, good point. Could also have been "Man/Other". XD

Goggles make you a real scientist, trufax. See also labcoats and having really big, mad, grey hair and glasses.

[info]lobelia321

2 years ago

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[info]matt_writer

September 1 2009, 22:41:22 UTC 2 years ago

Haha! This is hilarious!

Er, I suppose I'll simply say that this contains everything I would like to quote for awesomeness. *nod*

Oh, and,

I used to like playing with dolls and wearing pink nail-polish, but then when I was four or five years old my father beat it out of my got angry and after that I cried and only played with moar dolls

:D

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 11:22:38 UTC 2 years ago

But that link just goes to... wait, I see what you did there. :D

Thank you so much.

[info]elfwreck

September 2 2009, 03:02:41 UTC 2 years ago

This post has been included in a linkspam roundup. (And thank you; this is hilarious.)

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 11:54:46 UTC 2 years ago

No, thank you! I've never been included in this kind of thing before, so I'm really flattered. :)

[info]starlady38

September 2 2009, 03:15:56 UTC 2 years ago

You are awesome.

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 11:56:13 UTC 2 years ago

Thank you very much - and OMG, your icon is win.

[info]starlady38

2 years ago

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[info]semielliptical

September 2 2009, 03:27:31 UTC 2 years ago

You win!!

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 12:01:28 UTC 2 years ago

Yay, thank you!

[info]gchick

September 2 2009, 03:43:16 UTC 2 years ago

For this, you win at least TWO internets.

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 12:02:32 UTC 2 years ago

Hahahahaha - thank you so much!

[info]antihysteric

September 2 2009, 03:55:55 UTC 2 years ago

AHAHAHAHA, THANK YOU. :D

(via linkspam)

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 12:44:58 UTC 2 years ago

Yay, thank you! :)

[info]heather

September 2 2009, 03:59:43 UTC 2 years ago

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 12:47:37 UTC 2 years ago

Hahahaha, I love those kinds of comments. :D

[info]logansrogue

2 years ago

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[info]mushroom18

September 2 2009, 04:43:15 UTC 2 years ago

26. Do you ever find yourself, in your darkest and loneliest moments, thinking about being ravaged from behind by Prince Harry in his Nazi costume?

AHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD WHAT Just as planned

A+++++++++

I love you!

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 12:52:06 UTC 2 years ago

Likewise! ♥ ♥ ♥

[info]jonquil

September 2 2009, 04:46:39 UTC 2 years ago

I love you.

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 13:44:53 UTC 2 years ago

:D Given that you're one of those names I see around and I'm always a bit too in awe of your posts to comment, thank you very much!

[info]almostnever

September 2 2009, 04:54:34 UTC 2 years ago

Excellent! Linked here by a friend in chat after I had come up with a few "survey for neuropseudoscientists" questions too...

When casting human infant metatarsal bones to derive your conclusions, do you rattle them in a clockwise or counterclockwise motion?

- Clockwise
- Also clockwise
- Rooster

When condescending to people in the internet, do you imagine:

- patting them onna head
- giving them a cookie
- gently ushering them away with a boot to the ass while screaming "I'M TRYING TO DO SCIENCE HERE!"

Sexuality is a beautiful unified tapestry of human desire, y/n?

- Whores
- Whores whores whores
- Whores whores whores whores whores

How humid is the environment in your ass, as judged by your inserted head?

- Very humid
- Not very humid
- Arid: I had bran flakes for breakfast

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 13:53:27 UTC 2 years ago

Sexuality is a beautiful unified tapestry of human desire, y/n?

- Whores
- Whores whores whores
- Whores whores whores whores whores

OMG, that's amazing; cannot stop laughing. XD

Thank you so much!

[info]almostnever

2 years ago

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[info]no_detective

September 2 2009, 05:58:54 UTC 2 years ago

*dies*

This is perfection.

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 14:00:57 UTC 2 years ago

*revives you* Aaaahhh, thank you!

[info]pinkfriction

September 2 2009, 08:17:38 UTC 2 years ago

Linked here from a friend - this is made of win!

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 14:29:02 UTC 2 years ago

:D Thank you!

[info]kindkit

September 2 2009, 09:42:25 UTC 2 years ago

Absolutely brilliant.

[info]fera_festiva

September 2 2009, 15:00:40 UTC 2 years ago

Thank you so much!

[info]anitac588

September 2 2009, 11:16:50 UTC 2 years ago

Link via friend -- this is hilarious! Thank you!

[info]fera_festiva

September 3 2009, 15:37:27 UTC 2 years ago

:D Thanks!

[info]ironed_orchid

September 2 2009, 12:19:39 UTC 2 years ago

Here via linkspam and developing serious crush on your brain

[info]fera_festiva

September 3 2009, 15:38:29 UTC 2 years ago

Awesome - that's pretty much the greatest compliment I could receive. Thank you very much. :D

[info]were_duck

September 2 2009, 12:58:51 UTC 2 years ago

Here from linkspam and YES! YOU WIN!

[info]fera_festiva

September 3 2009, 15:50:39 UTC 2 years ago

Two things:

1) Thank you very much;

2) Your icon is unbelieveably hot. :D

[info]o_deanna

September 2 2009, 13:05:40 UTC 2 years ago

Hahahahaha. AMAZING. Oh God, ILU.

[info]fera_festiva

September 3 2009, 15:51:16 UTC 2 years ago

ILU2 bb! ♥

[info]hammerxsword

September 2 2009, 13:11:48 UTC 2 years ago

*applause*

[info]fera_festiva

September 3 2009, 15:55:59 UTC 2 years ago

\o/

[info]lamardeuse

September 2 2009, 13:26:08 UTC 2 years ago

17. Which of the following science journals do you read regularly?

- Behavioral Brain Research
- European Journal of Pharmacology
- Journal of Comparative Neurology
- My Pretty Little Hippocampus
- Trends in Cell Biology
- Occipital Babes
- Journal of Neuroscience Methods
- Brain and Development
- Anal Amy and her Awesome Amygdala

I am in awe of your survey-making skilz. Also, I just broke something trying not to laugh out loud at work.

[info]fera_festiva

September 4 2009, 10:31:55 UTC 2 years ago

Well, thank you - I am a ~*scientist*~ after all. XD

[info]lobelia321

September 2 2009, 13:50:18 UTC 2 years ago

457. Will I live again after having ruptured my diaphragm, falling off my chair and bathing my keyboard in tears of mirth?

- no
- maybe
- other
- am currently on drugs so need to skip this question
- am currently wanking so have no hand free to click on the answer

Fera, you are an evol GENIUS. And definitely not my real father.

Question 32 is for the uberwin.

[info]fera_festiva

September 4 2009, 10:39:36 UTC 2 years ago

am currently wanking so have no hand free to click on the answer = LOL'd IRL. XD Thank you very much indeed!
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