Entry tags:

deathly hallows uberwank, harry/draco

Deathly Hallows uberwank: Chapter 23, Malfoy Manor
It sort of happened again. This one's got Harry/Draco in it. Bad, melodramatic, unbeta'd Harry/Draco. It's not as porny as the handjob of chapter 19, but it's there. Also, I fully expect to have failed the assignment I should have been doing instead of writing it.



In the last chapter, Harry spent a long time talking shit and then right at the end, some rather generic Bad Guys called "snatchers" showed up. As this chapter starts, Hermione smacks Harry across the face with some kind of spell to make him unrecognisable. In a few chapters' time she gives Ron a beard as a disguise, so I guess she thinks Harry deserves a slap anyway or something. Or whatever. It works, anyway, as it makes his face swell up so badly that he can't see. Meanwhile, the snatchers have pulled his homies out of the tent and punched Ron, which is supposed to show that they are mean but seriously, I find it just a little bit satisfying. (What? Ron getting punched beats another chapter of camping any day.)

One of the snatchers is Fenrir Greyback, or as his friends know him, Wolfy McWolferson. He takes a look at Harry's mash-up face and makes a comment about "needing some Butterbeer to wash this one down" which a) makes no sense and b) is totally incongruous, sort of like if Hannibal Lecter had said, "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some spaghetti hoops and a nice pot of strawberry Munch Bunch. Nom nom nom".

Harry gives the (obviously false) name of "Vernon Dudley" and, incredibly, gets away with it, as another snatcher, Scabior (fun fact that may not be true: he was originally called Syphilis McPlague), has someone called Dudley on the list. Ron claims to be Stan Shunpike, which is stupid (he earns a slap, and then claims he is "Barny Weasley" like Harry did about a gazillion chapters ago), and Hermione claims to be Penelope Clearwater, which isn't much better. They are asked what house they're in, and say Slytherin, and confirm it by giving the location of its common room, although I reckon any decent prefect would know that anyway. Oh, and by an incredible coincidence one of the other prisoners is Dean Thomas. He addresses Harry as "Harry" but nobody notices; nevertheless, none of our intrepid trio tells him to STFU before he ruins everything.

While Greyback monologues at the prisoners, one of the other snatchers finds Gryffindor's sword in the tent. For fuck's sake. So all that camping and going to Godric's Hollow and jumping into frozen ponds was totally pointless after all. Not that I ever thought it wasn't totally pointless, actually, but anyway. Then the snatchers look in the newspaper and find a picture that looks just like Hermione; she epic fails at lying and they guess it's her. Therefore, they reason, this twat with the swollen face is probably Harry Motherfuckin' Potter. They make noises about taking the prisoners to Malfoy Manor - now, can someone help me here, was "Malfoy Manor" fanon before it was canon, or has it always been canon? - and while all this is going on, Harry tunes in and out of his trademark Voldevision, picking up visions of Voldemort flying about like a tit and eventually finding some guy who I guess is supposed to be Dumbledore's ex, although I can't be sure, and I always had the impression (pre-DH) that he was dead, but the Lexicon reckons it's him - imprisoned in the cartoon prison, Nurmengard. As the snatchers drag their prisoners to Casa Malfoy, Dumbledore's ex tells Voldemort he "never had it" and Voldemort is way pissed off.

A page or two is spent dragging the prisoners inside the manor while McWolferson argues with Narcissa Malfoy (for it is she) and, eventually, Draco Malfoy (for it is he) is summoned to verify Harry's identity. Harry gets a look at himself in a mirror; his hair is long and he is beardy of face, plus he is all pink and swollen from the spell Hermione hit him with, so all in all he is a minger and I sure as fuck wouldn't tap it. Draco Malfoy, it seems, still would, for he is reluctant to say for sure whether Harry is Harry or not. He gazes at Harry, then away, all the while thinking of that one time in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom when they came close, so close... and how much he regrets that day. He'd allowed Potter to see him at his most vulnerable, and there was one tiny moment - less than a second - in which everything was decided. Draco has replayed that day over and over in his mind, his regret deepening every time, and every time he buries his feelings further down inside his chest, resolving never to dwell on them again - but he does, naturally, and afterwards he feels ever more disgusted with himself.

In Draco's mind, of course, things went differently. Potter's look of disbelief, that moment of eye contact that went on just a bit too long; in Draco's mind, instead of clumsily throwing the cruciatus curse like an idiot, he had taken a step closer, murmuring, "Potter..." and Potter had lowered his wand and asked him softly, "What do you want... Malfoy?" and, next, it varies. Sometimes they spend long minutes prowling around one another, the words they speak becoming harsher and more cruel as their breathing becomes heavier and they spiral towards each other, getting closer with every step, so close, until Draco, the serpent, can almost taste his foe... and then he can taste him as their lips brush together and their tongues find one another and the kiss deepens. It is long and slow and drawn-out, and as it comes to an end they keep their eyes closed, heads resting together, their breathing hot and deep and fast in each others' mouths.

Sometimes things are different again; Potter's natural rage overcomes him right away, but instead of reaching for his wand he shoves Draco in the shoulder, then immediately slams him into the wall, and they struggle for a few moments until Draco's fists are balled up in the front of Potter's robes and he slams him the other way and punches are exchanged, and fistfuls of hair are grabbed, and inevitably their mouths meet, angrily, violently, and in the moment that Draco's bottom lip is caught between Potter's teeth, he gasps and Potter actually smiles and they begin to grab at each other's clothes again and a belt buckle clatters undone and hands grasp and thumbs graze and there is thrusting and so on and it's rare that Draco has the opportunity to explore what happens beyond that.

None of this really happened, of course. For Draco, the true agony then came not when Potter's spell tore his flesh, but when the news reached him of the kiss with the Weasley girl. For then, his heart was truly ripped out.

Or something. Anyway, for that reason or for whatever other reason, not that I can think of one that doesn't involve Draco Malfoy spending the last seven years obsessing over Harry Potter's sweet, sweet ass, Draco says he can't be sure that the swollen-faced dude in front of him is Harry, and he turns away.

The death eaters and snatchers then begin to squabble amongst themselves, mainly over whether they should summon Voldemort and also the bloody sword of bloody Gryffindor; the squabbling is exacerbated by the snatchers being really stupid and by Bellatrix being completely insane. There'a a description of her as someone with "prodigious skill and no conscience", which I rather like. It's one of those (sadly, increasingly rare) moments that reminds me why I like these books. It's just a nice, succinct little summary of her character. I dunno, I can't put my finger on it exactly, I just like it.

Anyway, she argues with McWolferson and then starts ordering Draco about, whereupon Narcissa joins in with all "DON'T YOU TALK TO MY SON LIKE THAT BIATCH". This is one of those scenes I'm sure I've seen a million times before, often in the cheap, crappy, addictive-like-sugar cartoons I used to stare at on Saturday mornings as a child. Honestly, the prisoners could probably just walk out and not be noticed at this point. This course of action either doesn't occur to them or doesn't appeal, so Bellatrix decides to torture Hermione over the sword's origin. Therefore we know that the sword is important (because Harry having to follow a radioactive deer and then jump into a frozen pond to retrieve it wasn't proof enough). The point is, the sword should be in her vault at Gringotts, and they have it, and she is pretty worried. She orders Greyback to take Harry and Ron to the cellar while she tortures Hermione.

As Greyback drags the guys down the stairs, he taunts Ron about the fact he's basically going to rape Hermione later. (He says he's going to "bite" her, but there's a fairly strong suggestion of something worse; for the most part, Greyback is an effective nasty piece of work.) He seems to know they're like going out or something, or else he knows that Harry either doesn't understand what's happening or doesn't give a crap. Either way, it's Ron he mocks. He does this by calling him "Ginger", which is, again, a little too mild for someone who's meant to be a sociopath. He throws them into a darkened cell (appropriate Ramones song: I don't wanna go down to the basement) and locks the door; they hear Hermione screaming in agony. Points to Rowling for suggesting the torture and not showing it outright, which I would argue is a more effective way of making it scary; however, points taken off for the existence of the cruciatus curse, which I have trouble buying in general. It's meant to be pretty much the worst pain ever - enough to drive you insane with prolongued exposure - nice idea, but then it's not that gory and as far as we can tell doesn't involve humiliation or violation or lasting pain. That stuff shouldn't necessarily rule out it being an effective torture, but we've seen it used a bunch of times and I - personally - don't think it has that much impact. I wonder if giving Hermione straight over to Greyback mightn't have been more effective (dramatically, rather than within the story), although that would probably have raised more questions than anything - not least because the world really doesn't need any (more?) werewolf!Hermione Sue-fics. Ugh, I'm rambling. Let's move on.

In the cellar, Ron screams Hermione's name until he gets bored and shuts up, whereupon it becomes apparent that Mr Ollivander and Luna Lovegood are also there. Props to Luna for taking it all in her stride and keeping a level head and untying them and successfully operating Ron's deluminator, which lights up the cell so they can all take a good look around. Once the lights are on, we get a look at everyone who's there - it also includes Dean Thomas and Griphook the goblin, although I can't tell from the text if they got dragged downstairs with Harry and Ron or if they were taken down earlier. Meanwhile, upstairs, Bellatrix is yelling at Hermione: "I'm going to ask you again! Where did you get this sword?" which makes her sound more like a slightly nervous but ultimately massively strict and horribly unfair teacher - the kind that screams at the class for smiling too much and gives out detentions for no reason and has a funny twitch on one side of the face. (Actually, a little like this guy, or my form tutor when I was 12, or my current boss.)

Luna calmly explains that there is no way out of the cellar while Ron listens to Hermione's screams and panics. Harry empties out his magic pouch (no, I don't mean like that), looking for something useful, although we've already established it's full of sentimental but useless crap. Except that a magical blue eye appears in the mirror shard, and he just happens to yell out their age, sex, location and that they need help. Upstairs, Bellatrix is still asking Hermione how they got into her vault. One of my Christmas presents was the graphic novel Lost Girls (with the emphasis on "graphic"; it's filthy). It's full of stuff like this - "His sword was sheathed inside my vault, and I spent. That night, I frigged myself silly" - and seriously, that's all I can think of when I hear Bellatrix shrieking at Hermione about swords and vaults, particularly given that Lost Girls is full of bits where characters are shagging but it appears they are fighting, or vice versa.

Um.

Hermione's resistance to the mind probe is considerable, and she says the sword is a fake one; Bellatrix makes Draco go get Griphook for confirmation. This chapter is annoying me right now - too much wandering around and pissing about. Anyway, also around this time, Dobby the house-elf apparates into the cell, which just makes my heart sink. If anything was guaranteed to make this chapter more annoying, it was Dobby.

Without too much fucking about - a page or so - Dobby grabs Luna, Dean, and Mr Ollivander and disapparates in the direction of Bill and Fleur's place, on the edge of a supposedly Cornish town called Tinworth. (That jars for me - it doesn't look or sound all that Cornish - but we'll let it go. Incidentally, my favourite Cornish place name is Mousehole, which is pronounced "MAO-zo".) Bill and Fleur's place, Shell Cottage, is meant to be hidden with a fidelius charm, but they find it anyway. This is either to illustrate the general prejudice that exists against house-elves, i.e. a supposedly watertight charm for concealment doesn't keep out house-elves because they have been, as always, overlooked, or else because JK Rowling is pretty rich by now. Lucius Malfoy overhears and sends someone to check what's going on down there. And - why, it's our old pal Wormtail, aka Peter Pettigrew, aka Scabbers, putting in the few minutes of screen time that will get him his appearance fee. There is a brief struggle involving wands being grabbed (in a literal sense rather than a Draco Malfoy sense), then Wormtail hesitates for a brief moment when Harry reminds him of something to do with a life debt, or something like that. Voldemort remotely chokes Wormtail to death as punishment. It is exactly the same as that one time that Darth Vader showed Admiral Ozzel who was boss:

Dude, that bit is so cool.

Harry and Ron sneak upstairs just in time to see Griphook proclaim the sword to be a fake and Bellatrix summon Voldemort. Harry gets some POV video footage of Voldemort killing that guy who I guess is Dumbledore's ex, as well as some of Voldemort's wangsty thoughts about how his death eaters always fuck up and nobody understands him and it's just not fair.

Bellatrix tells Greyback he can have Hermione if he wants, to which Ron's reaction is "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" which is a direct quote. Now, despite the uberwank and whatever, I love these books. I've been in fandom since, what, 2001? And a fan of my own accord since before that, even. But there is no way they are serious literature or whatever when a character says the word "no" with twelve Os and in all caps.

There is an extended sequence where wands are transferred back and forth between characters like some kind of hippy juggling routine, before eventually Bellatrix puts a knife to Hermione's throat. Then we get one of those stand-off stalemate moments like in the movies where everyone has a gun on someone else. This goes on for like a page and is long. Dobby does something useful for once, cutting the tedium short by dropping a crystal chandelier on... well, on Hermione, but it provides enough distraction for Harry to grab Draco's wand (no, not like that. Man, I wish), Ron to pull Hermione from the smashed chandelier, Harry to hit everyone with spells, and Dobby to yell stuff at Bellatrix about how he is a free elf and will do what the fuck he likes and damn it feels good to be a gangster. He says it in a really annoying, squeaky, infuriatingly twee way, though. Finally, Ron apparates with Hermione and Harry apparates with Dobby, the two of them holding hands like Spongebob and Patrick. They hit the ground outside Bill and Fleur's allegedly hidden cottage, Harry tries to start up a conversation with Dobby, but it turns out Bellatrix managed to pierce him with a dagger and he dies (Dobby, that is, not Harry - man, that would be the biggest fucking anticlimax ever, if Harry died from a knife wound with 14 chapters still to go until the book ends).

I wavered on this one. On the first readthrough I was actually quite sad for Dobby's death, and the whole "free elf" thing appeals to my left-wing sensibilities, so I considered using that clip from, I think, Return of the Jedi where some bits fall off R2-D2 and C-3P0 says, "Artoo, why did you have to be so brave?" but frankly I hate Dobby, and JKR really goes overboard with the purple prose trying to convince me how terrible it is that he's dead, and also my six-year-old nephew is terrified of him, so fuck him. Mon Mothma it is.



Not much more to say about this chapter, since it's mostly action, and there's not as much room for analysis. I generally dislike the thing that happens a lot in this book where characters are wheeled on, carry out a particular function (usually either providing some information or dying, although sometimes both) and then piss off. That happens a couple of times in here - Wormtail, Dobby - and it's kind of annoying, like they're only there so JK Rowling can tick one more box on her "plot threads to be tied up" spreadsheet or something. At least Dobby gets to do something worthwhile, even if he does annoy me. Wormtail is totally meh, although I can forgive him for providing such a great Star Wars moment (seriously, reading this book for the first time, curled up in a blanket on the sofa at 4am or so, I exclaimed, "Force choke!" out loud without even thinking about it).

The only other thing to add is that I am now totally in the mood for some proper Harry/Draco pron. I believe I shall go and find some.

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