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Deathly Hallows uberwank: Chapter 20, Xenophilius Lovegood
Once again, sorry for the delay on this. I will be completely honest: this chapter, and the seven million or so chapters that follow it, are massively dull, and motivating myself to fanwank about them is at times difficult. Blame JKR.



You'll remember that at the end of the last chapter, Ron returned to his position as Potter Sidekick Number One. Hermione is still pissed off at him, so he acts all remorseful and stuff, except when she's not there, when he is cheerful. These times tend to be when he and Harry are foraging for mushrooms and blackberries (in late winter. Yeah) and other edible items. I know I keep saying this, but it is really stupid that they aren't stealing their food. They have the ability to turn invisible AND the ability to teleport, two of the coolest abilities it's possible to have. (Man, if I had those abilities, I'd do nothing but shoplift. And then become more and more bored as the novelty wore off, and eventually die unloved and alone surrounded by a heap of gold, gourmet food and electronics.) And they're still wasting time looking for nonexistent mushrooms and crap. Forget what I said in the comments of the last chapter: I hate these kids.

They spend the first couple of pages giving each other updates on what's been going on. Ron explains that the word "Voldemort" has a taboo spell on it, so if you say it, you can be found instantly. REMEMBER BACK IN CHAPTER NINE WHEN THEY GOT FOUND IN THE CANTINA BY THOSE DEATH EATERS? THAT'S HOW THEY FOUND THEM! DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU WANT ME TO EXPLAIN IT AGAIN???

Actually, here I am acting like it was totally obvious, when it really wasn't. I swing between thinking the taboo thing is totally lame and thinking it's quite well-done. On the one hand, we saw it used earlier in the book in a way that now makes sense. However, like many of the plot devices that show up in this book, it feels a bit tacked-on. I mean, if this taboo thing was possible, why didn't Voldemort taboo his own name back in book one? And then as soon as someone whispers to Harry the name of the man who killed his parents - BAM Voldemort shows up and AKs the fuck out of Harry. OK, that would make for a rubbish seven-book series (at the start of every volume, instead of "Harry Potter was a wizard!" it would say "Harry Potter was still dead!") but I would argue that it's JKR's job as an author to show me why it didn't happen - and, of course, why fake-Moody didn't turn Harry's toothbrush into a portkey at the start of book four or, hell, just abduct him after class one day, and why Dumbledore didn't just tell Harry the truth about anything (and, of course, why those people on that island didn't just eat Gilligan).

In any case, if Voldemort really wanted to use the taboo to catch Harry, it's arguable his own name wasn't necessarily the best word to use. A good one would be "Horcrux", since - going by previous evidence, not that that's a foolproof method of deduction where these books are concerned, but I digress - very few wizards know about horcruxes at all, and Voldemort hasn't even told his most trusted lieutenants about his.

I wonder how the taboo works, anyway? I've just realised I've been working on the assumption that it works like a search engine. So tabooing the word "Harry" wouldn't be any good, because you'd get a "result", as it were, every time someone said it - and there are probably other people called Harry. "Harry Potter" might not be much more useful, because the name is probably being said by many people regardless of the side they're on (especially considering he's "Undesirable number one" and everything). But maybe it doesn't work like that. Maybe it's more like... a wizard did it, all right?

I don't know - maybe the taboo isn't specifically about catching Harry, just about catching dissidents (i.e. those who disrespect Voldemort enough to use his name). In which case it's not a bad plan, I suppose.

Ugh. Anyway. So, Ron and Harry engage in lots of as-you-know-your-father-the-king, plus lots of wangst because Dumbledore is dead and maybe he could still be alive (well, except for the part where Harry witnessed him get AK'd and fall off a tower. Unless Dumbledore is Rasputin, I'd say he's probably dead). A few more pages of Harry wangsting about Dumbledore, and then about his broken wand and how the spare one he's somehow acquired sucks, and then a few paragraphs where Ron tries to magically tune a radio. Fuckin' hell.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world:

Then Hermione tiptoes around for a bit before finally saying she wants to go and visit Xenophilius Lovegood. You remember. That one guy who is Luna's dad and is a scientologist or something. Harry is bemused. Hermione's rationale for visiting the mumbling freak is that funny triangular sign that is totally the sign of the deathly hallows, which we all know because we've read the book, but at this point in the story we're not supposed to know it yet. But it must be connected with these hallows because it's page 319 and they haven't been mentioned in the story yet. Plus the symbol connects Dumbledore and Godric's Hollow and Xeno, and he's the only possibility they haven't exhausted yet. Ron backs Hermione up, either because he's trying to get back into her pants or because he's trying to get into her pants in the first place; the text doesn't make this clear. Oh, and Ron mentions that they'll be able to see Luna but only as an afterthought. Harry can't be arsed but they go anyway, apparating to a hill the next day.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world:



Oh, by the way, nobody, not even Ron (whose family live nearby) actually knows where the Lovegoods live, nor what their house looks like. Our intrepid trio stand on the hill, surveying the village for a while, and Ron mentions that it's strange to be close to home but not visiting. Hermione pwns him, assuming he was home for Christmas. He explains that he didn't go home, but instead went to Bill and Fleur's place - they weren't at the Burrow for Christmas either, because they wanted to spend their first Christmas as a married couple on their own. So... therefore... Ron assumed he'd be welcome? I can just picture the scene - Ron standing on the doorstep of Shell Cottage, explaining to Bill why he's there, oblivious to the fact that Bill is wearing only a hastily thrown on dressing gown, and Fleur is peering out from behind the bedroom door, wrapped in a sheet. Also, they both have messy hair. And Bill is going, "well, bro, you know you're always welcome, but... well, wouldn't you rather see Mum and Dad? It's just, not a great time... right now... and anyway, the spare room isn't even, uh, decorated..." and Ron's going, "I don't mind, mate! I can kip on the sofa!" And Bill is all, "Yeah, um, well, we were going to... um... look, Ron..." and Fleur is tutting and rolling her eyes in the background and saying, in her badly-transcribed French accent, "Bill, when are you coming back to bed?"

And so, Bill and Fleur's plan of using the Christmas holiday to have sex in every room of the cottage was scuppered.

Once Ron has told this delightful tale, our intrepid trio spend several hours walking. After these several hours, they haven't found Casa Lovegood, so then they decide to apparate a few miles north. Why didn't they just do that from the start? Morons. It doesn't matter, though, because they apparate pretty much to the house. They can tell it's the right house because it looks like a rook, and we discover that Hermione doesn't know that Ron's talking about the chess piece. She thinks he means the bird. And she's meant to be the cleverest witch of all time or something.

They approach the house and find it suitably decorated with weird and wacky paraphernalia, like... an owl. And some trees. Those crazy wizards, eh? Xenophilius answers the door and they con their way in. The house actually sounds kind of badass inside - the sort of place I intend to live when I am rich and mad. It is perfectly circular and has a spiral staircase. They head up to the next floor, which reminds Harry of "the Room of Requirement on the unforgettable occasion that it had transformed itself into a gigantic labyrinth comprised of centuries of hidden objects". Unforgettable, she says. That's JKR's way of gently reminding us of that occasion, on the grounds that it's going to be important later: telling us outright that it was "unforgettable". Jesus H.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world:



Anyway, the house is full of bizarre executive toys and copies of the Weekly World News and books by L Ron Hubbard and pamphlets claiming the destruction of the Death Star was an inside job and some posters of aliens smoking joints with the hilarious caption "Take me to your dealer" (hey, this is set in the mid-1990s, after all). Also, some kind of classified animal product called an erumpent horn which Hermione tells us is highly explosive, which means it's going to explode in the next chapter. (That's a Chekhov's gun, JKR-style: if there's an erumpent horn on page 325, it'll explode by about page 326. If there's an erumpent horn in an earlier book, however, it'll either never be mentioned again, or else will save Harry from death by crushing by whistling colours at him.)

Xeno ums and ahs over helping Harry out, then finally says he will, if they'll just let him call Luna to come and see them first. While he's doing that, Harry gazes out of a window in the vague direction of the Burrow, and thinks about Ginny, in a way that I think is meant to be moving or emotive or something. It fails; more than anything it's reminiscent of that thing you do when you're 12 and have a massive crush on a celebrity and you sit around wondering what they're doing right now. When Xeno gets back, he shows them a wacky invention he's been inventing, a headband with fruit attached and stuff. He pours them a herbal tea each.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world:



Finally, Xeno asks that twat Harry Potter what he wants help with. Harry mentions the symbol Xeno wore to the wedding, and Xeno ends the chapter on a cliffhanger by asking, all enigmatic-like, "Are you referring to the sign of the deathly hallows?" Duh-duh-duuuuuuuuh!!!!!

Well, that didn't take long, only 328 pages. In the next chapter, of course, we finally discover what the hallows are, and it's a total frigging anticlimax.

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