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Entry tags:	deathly hallows uberwank

Deathly Hallows uberwank: Chapter 15, The Goblin's Revenge
"The goblin's revenge" sounds like a real ale, or possibly a euphemism for what happens to you the day after you eat a goblin curry. :-/


As the chapter starts, our intrepid trio are... camping! Yaaaay! Camping is a lot of fun, you know. You get to sit around and bicker and feel bored and cold and stuff. It's great. They are having so much fun camping that they decide they will keep doing it, but just to mix things up, will move to somewhere else every day. Wheeeeee! This is great stuff!

No, it's not. It's the kind of thing that seems fun in theory if you're about ten years old and haven't ever actually been camping before in real life. Camping is miserable business.

Although, they are camping in a tent that can be put up magically with a single word, and which has beds and stuff, so from their point of view it could be much worse. From our point of view, though, it's possibly even more dull, because it's not even the story of a gang of spotty angsty teenagers camping. It's the story of a gang of spotty angsty teenagers sitting around in a bedsit.

Urgh. OK, so Harry buries Mad-Eye's mad eye under a tree, into the bark of which he carves out the Cruciatus logo, then they pack up the tent (as if that's hard work) and move on. Harry goes out to find food but encounters dementors and can't cast a patronus, so he comes back empty-handed, upon which he is berated by Ron, who is an ungrateful fuck. They bicker it out. I love it when they bicker - it's funny, and entertaining, and witty, and interesting, except for the part where I'm lying.

Anyway, the bickering eventually leads to Hermione realising the horcrux is totally the One Ring and making Harry take it off, and also deciding they should all take turns wearing it to keep it safe. Again with the FUCKING PUT IT IN THE FUCKING BAG OF FUCKING HOLDING, YOU FUCKWITS. Then they steal eggs and bread from a farm (Hermione wangsts about whether it counts as stealing if you leave money under the chicken coop. I'd say it probably does. You still took without asking, didn't you? What if that was all the food they had and the farmer is a recovering anorexic and pretty much relapses tomorrow because there's an opportunity to not eat, and it's your fault, Hermione? Hermione will continue to wangst about this every time they nick anything to eat, even though wangsting about stealing food is totally old meme. Here's something: in Philip Pullman's The Subtle Knife, one of the characters - Will - leaves money when he takes food towards the start of the book, but by the time he and Lyra leave Cittagazze, he doesn't bother any more. I always liked that, because it's one more little thing that illustrates a move from innocence to experience. In conclusion: Hermione is like 18 and still worrying about it, so she's a total n00b).

Anyway, they eat, and all feel better, and notice that lack of food makes them all irritable, whereas if they eat they are less so. (On the first read I was oddly amazed that they hadn't realised before now that low blood sugar = grumpy, but on reflection, my older brother is diabetic, so maybe I just always took this one for granted.) Ron is the worst, because despite coming from an allegedly poor family, he is a spoiled brat, used to being presented with a three-course meal seven or eight times a day. This, plus wearing the One Ring, means that he spends all day sitting around playing Mario Kart (there's only one controller, and he hogs it) and expecting Harry and Hermione to come up with a plan. These planning sessions consist of Harry and Hermione repeating all their crappy ideas about horcrux locations over and over again, despite having already ruled them out, and waiting for ideas to float into their heads.

This goes on for what seems like years; it is only broken up by Harry having more visions of Dumbledore's ex-boyfriend, and Ron unlocking a new course on Mario Kart but then, unable to complete it, hurling the controller across the room and breaking it. Also, Ron gets pissy with Harry for not providing visions of anything he's interested in, like news of his family or Mario Kart cheat codes. There's a great line where Harry is annoyed that Ron seems to think of him like a television aerial; sadly enough this is probably my favourite bit in the entire chapter, merely because it reflects one of my favourite lines from Brad Neely's Wizard People, Dear Reader, from the segment where Harry puts on the sorting hat:

Oh, Harry only winces at this constant bombardment of pressure to impress. This damn hat, all these fucking kids and teachers looking at him like he's a fucking television. “I don't care, fuck it. Just don't put me with Mouthoil,” is all Harry keeps thinking. Finally, the hat's oscillations tense and cease upon Harry's scalp. Gryffindor it is. Yes. And the universe sighs its magical sigh.

The days spent camping stretch into weeks, and man does it feel like it. Ron and Hermione diss Harry behind his back, while Voldemort continues to fixate on Dumbledore's ex. Ron continues to bitch about the lack of food, or how badly it's cooked when there is any, and Hermione makes the (very fair) point that Ron could STFU and do the cooking if he doesn't like it. I must say, as a dork, I'm bothered by the way that Hogwarts students seem to wind up completely institutionalised. They get provided with feasts for the entirety of their school careers, and then sent out into the world with no idea of how to apply for a job, buy or rent a house, cook, eat healthily, exercise, clean up after themselves and what have you. OK, I know half that stuff is done by magic, but there don't seem to be any home ec or life skills classes to show the kids how to do that stuff by magic (maybe they get them in seventh year, but I doubt it). OK, so I didn't get taught that stuff at school, but then a) I lived at home and had to do those things, not to mention had the opportunity to learn by example, and b) went to university, which is (ideally) a nice, safe environment where you gradually learn to do all that stuff for yourself. Stupid.

Anyway, point is, Ron and Hermione are about to erupt into a slanging match over this, when something massively stupid happens, leading to the argument being postponed because there are way bigger things to think about right now. (To use an analogy, it's like how nobody really found time to fanwank over Neville marrying Hannah Abbott because JKR outed Dumbledore in the same interview.) Here is the massively stupid thing: by complete and utter coincidence, three muggleborn wizards (including Tonks's dad and Harry and Ron's old roommate Dean) and two goblins just happen to sit down to dinner right outside the magic invisible tent, and have a very indepth conversation about the state of the world, which provides our intrepid trio with a very useful update on what's happening out there. (Look, I know it's kind of... incongruous that I can easily believe in goblins and a magical tent and gay werewolves who sleep with ex-cons, but have problems with this setup. What's that line - "Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions, and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch." I wish I knew who said that. Anyway, just go with it, OK?)

Anyway, our intrepid trio decide to take advantage of this incredible coincidence by listening in on Extendable Ears (available now from Malo Mart and all good stockists, rrp £2.99). First off, the A-team or whoever they are use the accio charm to catch some fish to eat: "there were several distinct splashes and the slapping sounds of fish against flesh. Somebody grunted appreciatively". You know you've been living in Brighton too long when that sentence sounds kinky. Anyway, they just accio the salmon right out of the water, which begs the question, how come the Crew ended up eating pike earlier and it was bad? Hermione said she cooked it and Harry caught it... and it's not like accio is a charm Harry can't do. In fact, he busts that one out all the time. How did they fuck it up, then? I bet he tried to disarm the river or something. That would be textbook Harry.

Here are some of the titbits they manage to pick up, anyway:

• Ted Tonks refused to register as muggleborn, and is on the run.
  
• Dean is also on the run, as he doesn't know if his bio-dad was a wizard or not. This is one of the places where I like that JKR gave us some supplementary information. Dean isn't important enough that it seems like a cheat to tell us his background outside the books (whereas being told Harry's job in an interview makes it unimportant when it shouldn't be).
  
• The third guy is named Dirk; he escaped on the way to Azkaban.
  
• The goblins aren't on the side of the Rebel Alliance per se, but are on the run anyway as the death eaters have fucked them over regardless. Goblins do not have time for this type of bullshit.
  
• Ginny and a couple of other kids tried to take Gryffindor's sword from the headmaster's office, so Snape had it sent to Gringotts for safekeeping, but, big joke tiem, it's a fake! (Yeah, well, they said that about carpetbook, didn't they.)
  

... Actually, speaking of Ginny, this is a good opportunity to wank about her. I make no secret of not liking her much, but the thing is I would be happy to like her if I had evidence she was likeable. (Despite what some in fandom believe, not all Ginny-haters are fifteen and in love with Daniel Radcliffe.) One of the things that bothers me most about Ginny is that we are only ever told she's done or been or said anything worthwhile. We're rarely shown it. In fact, in most of the situations where she could show herself to be interesting/talented/funny/etc, either she doesn't, or else we aren't present to witness it. This is one of those moments - we're supposed to believe she broke into Snape's office and all that, but it's up there with "Ginny Weasley had scored a billion goals on the quidditch field!" or "Harry remembered a private moment they had shared once!" or "Even Plotus Devicius in Slytherin was of the opinion that he'd tap Ginny!"

The thing is, there are a variety of situations where another character does something Ginny could have done instead without any major changes to the plot. For example - I like Luna, so I'm pleased we get rather a lot of her in this book - in the scenes at Malfoy Manor and then at Shell Cottage. However, if JKR wanted to build Ginny into a suitable love interest for Harry, why not substitute her in these scenes? Or, put another way, from a storytelling standpoint, why is this Luna? Have Ginny taken by the death eaters and held as a punishment for the Weasleys' views and involvement with the Order. (This also provides Ron with another reason to be grumpy, but potentially a slightly more believeable one.) Have her keep Ollivander company (like Luna does), provide comforting words when Dobby dies (like Luna does), hold her own against the death eaters (like Luna does). Have her be the one with whom Harry shares his thoughts on the war, on death, on the danger they're in. The only change needed is what to do with Luna so that Xeno sells the Crew out later - but that's easily done, have her in Azkaban or even at Malfoy Manor, just kept somewhere separate.

I just don't get it. I really don't. In any fandom, I want the hero's romantic relationship arc to be likeable and believable and to leave me feeling satisfied with how things turned out. Like I said, I don't even like Ginny, but I can't help but feel she got a pretty raw deal in many ways.

Anyway, back to the eavesdropping:

• The goblins find the whole fake sword thing hilarious. Huh. I guess you had to be there.
  
• Ginny and her sidekicks were punished for their misdemeanour by being made to hang with Hagrid. That's presented as a source of relief (that they weren't tortured or something) but Hagrid's such a boring bastard, the impact is lost on me.
  
• At one point, Dirk asks Tonks's dad, "You believe Snape killed Dumbledore?" OLD MEME! (Although, possibly, so old meme that perhaps JKR is going for that thing where it goes on so long it stops being funny, but then becomes funny again.)
  
• Uh... what else... oh, I guess, Dean supports Harry, as does the Quibbler. Ted Tonks thinks he seemed nice enough, except for the part where Harry verbally abused Ted's wife, but whatevs.
  

After a while, they bugger off again. This part is just so stupid. It's beyond shoehorned in, it's... sledgehammered in? (Someone help me out here.) It's also stupid that Harry/Ron/Hermione don't go and talk to them, or even follow them undercover to see if they can pick up anything else that might be useful. Morons.

After they've fucked off, there's a bit where Hermione pulls out the portrait of Phineas Nigellus and basically makes it confirm everything they've just heard about the sword and Ginny and everything. She addresses him as Professor Black - I am confused by that, as I thought Nigellus was his surname (isn't that Latin for "black" anyway?) but I don't actually care. He helpfully provides MOAR exposition - Ginny's buddies were Neville and Luna (and the thing is, I can buy that they would try to steal the sword because we have direct evidence of both of them being badasses at other points in the books), Dumbledore's portrait can't come and talk to them for "plot reasons", blah blah blah. Phineas insults more or less everyone, each time eliciting a shriek of protest from Hermione: "Hagrid's not an oaf!" (Hermione, I assure you that he is.)

Finally he drops that Dumbledore used the sword of Gryffindor to destroy the ring horcrux, and pisses off. This discovery causes Harry and Hermione to fangirl along the lines of, well, in that case, Dumbledore must have hidden the sword somewhere we'd find it! WTF.

This is where the wank kicks off. Ron starts to grump about how he thought by now they'd be flooring ninja assassins with roundhouse kicks, gunning down terrorists, riding motorbikes over the bodies of death eaters, defusing bombs using only their mouths, fighting in bullet-time - not sitting around doing nothing and being bored. In other words, Ron was expecting something like this:


And Ron got something more like this:


(ETAYeah, I changed it... the other one wasn't the right kind of funny.)

I gotta say, though, for all Ron's being a dick, I kind of agree with him. Harry, never one to refuse a flame war, wanks back, insulting Ron's mum - and then brings Hermione into it, accusing her of bitching about him behind his back. Then, for good measure, he compares them both to Nazis, and then to "those mean girls who picked on me at school". Fandom Wank pricks up its ears. Ron, in his rage, pretty much tells Harry that he has it easier than Ron, because Ron's parents are still alive. Fandom Wank goes apeshit. Also, Ron uses the bizarrely mild phrase "rat's fart", which begins to appear in macro form within minutes. Ron and Harry are seconds away from fighting with knives, but are prevented by Hermione blocking them both, so instead, Ron makes for the exit. He challenges Hermione to come with; she says she's staying. (Is there any chance this three-way challenge of loyalties and the bit in Return of the Jedi where Han gets pissy that Leia will seemingly talk to Luke but not to him... could possibly be related?)

This, finally, is too much for Ron, so he pulls the ultimate trump card. He posts a vitriolic and CAPSLOCK-abusing journal entry in which he claims to be leaving the fandom, and then almost right afterwards, deletes his journal. Fandom Wank parties like ewoks on Endor, for, at last, Potterdammerung has come.

This chapter is almost beyond parody in how stupid and wanky it is.

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Oh - and a speshul announcement. Props and squees to evil_underlord for putting together the visual/Dragonforce-based representation of Ron's dreams of glory used in this instalment. ♥